I had a strong need to drown my feelings. I believed in a lie that I'm worse. That I need to change something to achieve something. I do not even know why this change had to be the loss of kilos. Looking in the mirror I saw the person who is guilty. Who should be punished. I wanted to hurt myself - self-destruction was a relief, so I waded into it. But I woke up in the moment it got too far, because the control of my life was taken by anorexia.
Anorexia is is not something you can prescribe pills for and go over. The society associates anorexics as a stupid girls who dream of a modeling career and do not understand that photos of celebrities are retouched. But it's rather the result of deep internal conflicts and hypersensitivity, definietely not just the desire to be "beautiful".
Anorexia is a monster that devours you every day and divides you in halves. You want to be healthy ... but it does not allow you. Anorexia is a monster that takes everything from you. And which can come back at any moment, even if it seems to be okay. The symptoms of recovery do not make you happy. You are getting "bigger", so you feel worse. It takes time to accept a new look, get used to weight and work on yourself. It requires time and strength. That's why this fight is so hard. Because on the one hand you want to be healthy, and on the other you are very afraid of it. And you are very afraid that it may come back in a moment. In fact, it probably never fully goes away, but you can learn to control it in some way.
